“Blended Family”
June 17, 2008

Colossians 3:12-14
12 Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 13 Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14 And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.


Background
I was looking up statistics on families. I was astonished with what I had learned. According to the 2000 United States census less than 25% of our current population live in what is known as traditional nuclear families. The kind of family Mer and Jim grew up in. Divorce rate is around 43% for first marriages, remarriages 60%, and higher if both have children . . . wow, we all need serious prayer!
Let us give you a little family background.

I have two children from my previous marriage. Cole is now 19, Shea is 16. Mer has three children from her previous marriage. Jonah is 14, Jordan is 12, MacKenzie is 11. Cole and Shea don’t live with us.
In June of 2004, Mer and I married and our two families were to become inextricably tied. We are known thus known as a “blended family”, or also known as a “step family”. I guess we have to have a label for such things.
Our journey has taken us through some of the most exciting times and some of the most trying moments.

Breaking apart
So let’s understand this picture. I started out having a “traditional nuclear family”. Okay it wasn’t exactly traditional for my ex-wife and I couldn’t have children together naturally, so we adopted both of our kids. Each of them were adopted from the Philippines when they were around 7 months old, but we were the “nuclear family” part. After 17 yrs. of marriage we were divorced.

Mer started out having a “traditional nuclear family”. After 8 yrs, she and her husband were divorced.
We were two separate families healing. Divorce is an awful thing to have to go through, and is really awful when children are involved. The kids’ world is torn apart and life as they know it would never be the same. For those of you who have experienced this yourself know what I mean. It is a ripping apart of something that has grown together organically, first as a couple, then with kids. The family grows in such a way that your life rhythm revolves around the all the members of the family. You develop traditions, you create memories, you dream of the future together - you don’t imagine a world without any one of the members of the family. Now, despite whatever the circumstance that leads a couple to divorce, one feels like one’s world is turned upside down. And to me, and I know to Mer, our heart pained and ached with what the kids must have going through.

It is anguishing to feel like you are the one responsible to cause your own children such pain and sadness. To know that by our actions (whether justified in some way or not), our children’s lives will never be the same.
What I felt the most was guilt, tremendous guilt, guilt that felt would last the rest of my life. Then was the pain of loss. The loss of family. The loss of the kids for they didn’t live with me. The loss of a formerly loving partner.
Shortly after, in my particular case, there was another (no less important) story. In fact it has forever changed my life. I confessed for the first time in my life as a sinner, and accepted Jesus Christ into my heart as my personal savior. This was a new beginning - I was a new creation!

Baggage
I met Mer, courted her, and in the summer of 2004 I married Mer. Suffice it to say that my wedding to Mer and her kids was unquestionably the best wedding ever! Okay I’m biased. But what I’m really saying is that putting Jesus right in the middle of our wedding covenant was what would give us the very best chance of making this new family work. Picture this image on our wedding day: at our alter was a rough hewn wood cross, a rock, and the body and blood of Christ represented by the elements. This was our only chance for making it for we were entering into territory which would certainly be filled with joy indeed, but was statistically doomed for failure. Remember the statistics I recited earlier?

You see, when we came to this day we brought a lot of things with us. Not only was there our individual healing experience from the divorce with Mer and I and the kids, but we brought individual sets of past experiences of family life. As eight individuals in this new family, we were all bringing different sets of experiences into new, very uncertain relationships. And it is not like we were all just coming together for a weekend. This was to be our new life together.

In fact, to make matters more interesting, it doesn’t stop there. The past just doesn’t get erased. We are still connected to our former spouses - the kids’ original mom and dad. Furthermore, we are then also connected to our former spouses’ own life circumstance. In our case, the old separate “nuclear families” (mine and Mer’s) had divided and multiple new relationships were created – in my kid’s case for instance, Cole and Shea had to first develop a new kind of relationship with just me and my life separate from their mom’s and the reverse with their mom; then with their mother’s new husband, and then with his kids who are older than them; then one with me and Mer, and then Mer’s kids who are younger than them. Right now, Mer’s kids have a somewhat similar circumstance. Incredible adjustments that posed significant challenges!

We have to admit, we did not follow through on what all the books say that we should. And the reality is despite doing one’s best to set up the transition into a new family order, it is still up to the individual family members to make choices to step into this order in any way that they can. In our case, my kids had the worst time making this transition. They don’t live with us, and their ability to adjust to circumstances on my side was only a part of their deal. They were adjusting to their new step-dad and his family.

The New Church: New Faith, New Practices
When I think of the beginning of Jesus’ church in the first century, I think of how exciting the gospel must have been to hear! The “news” of this incredibly radical new truth being revealed to them through the faithful apostles for the very first time! For the Jews, at last indeed the messiah who frees us in a way most unexpected! For the gentiles, nothing less than God made flesh in order to transform our hearts and lives forever! What cause for celebration, what incredible joy! Then, these new Christians must have then wondered soon – well what now? Now that I know this truth and have begun to share it with others, what does it mean in my daily, perhaps mundane life? Oh this joy I feel, but what about my life do I change?

The wedding celebration was wonderful, but is now over and what does life look like now in this new truth - this union of two separate families? Different backgrounds and experiences and we are to now all of sudden live as a family? Mom is sleeping with a new man? Sharing bathrooms? Are the older kids really allowed to eat in the living room, but not the younger kids? The older kids get to sleep later, why not me? There are too many TV’s on, and I need quiet time! Oh, this is just the tip of the iceberg. Cole and Shea want alone time with Dad. Why doesn’t Cole want to play games with McKenzie? Mer doesn’t understand why Shea is allowed to talk on her phone at 11:00 at night! Is Jim buying more gifts for Cole and Shea than for Jonah, Jordan or MacKenzie? Jim is at another swim meet this weekend for Shea and Mer is running the boys around to their games. Why don’t Cole and Shea have to participate in all of the family functions? And the list goes on and on . . .

Well “sure”, you might say, “this is just life when you have a lot of kids”! Well, yes you are right. Yet it’s really not that simple. Remember, for all intents and purposes we all just came together and have no prior experience living the routines of life that had evolved naturally in our previous separate families. Even for MacKenzie, who is the youngest, she had 7 yrs of different family experience up until then. There are loyalty issues that come up in conflict. It is easy to throw out blame on the divorce and the parents when things don’t go well. And if in families we’re all supposed to love each other, what does this look like when you’re living with new people.

So when Paul wrote to the church in Colosse, he was writing to a church of new Christians that he hadn’t yet met, but was excited about their growing faith in Jesus. But despite the zeal for the truth in Jesus Christ, false teaching was infiltrating the church. This false teaching was obscuring the absolute truth in Jesus with bits and pieces of the world’s teachings. This was resulting in false doctrines and ultimately emptiness compared to God’s true plan.
In verses 12-14 (among other verses in Chapter 3) we find Paul teaching practical matters. That is, life practices that are consistent with Jesus’ teaching.

In verse 12 and 13 we read:
“12 Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 13 Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”

The people in Colosse were brothers and sisters in Christ, but like a family needed to understand what it looked like in everyday life to live together as believers. These were tools for living in Christ Jesus.

Mer discovered that our original expectations of what a blended family is to look like was not really working. We were swimming upstream. We think that in fact “blended” may not be the best word to describe the reality. We are two different families coming together, brought together by the bond and covenant of marriage between Mer and Jim. And at that point it is not as if we put all eight of us in a blender and started creating a single homogenous concoction. No, in reality, we are eight individuals, with different sets of relationships living everyday trying to extend grace to each other. That is why we have to see ourselves everyday being “compassionate, kind, humble, gentle, and patient” with each other. This was who Jesus was. A tall order, but through the grace and help from our savior we can begin to see how life doesn’t have to be full of frustration, anger, and sadness.

The urge to blame any number of things on each other is huge. When our family came together, we were constantly stepping on each other’s toes. We hadn’t learned all of each other’s pet peeves. We misunderstood each other’s words, and behaviors. We didn’t understand what kinds of things we all liked and disliked, whether it be food, clothing, make up, TV shows, whatever! We disturbed and offended each other without meaning to. How else can we not build up resentment and misgivings and maybe even hatred?

Again Paul instructs us in verse 13:
“ . . . bare with each other . . . “, “forgive”! Like Jesus forgives us!!
We certainly realized that this new family unit, however non-traditional as it may be, had to be grounded in something solid, very solid. Life up until then had indeed been tumultuous. The health of our marriage had to come first.

The Rock and Love
In Matthew 7:24-27 Jesus tells a parable of a wise man building his house on rock which withstood the beating of storms, but those who do not “hear” his words is like building his house on sand only to crash in a storm.
Hearing His words is believing in His Truth and living the Gospel.
Our marriage covenant had to be based on our redeemer – our rock of salvation, Jesus Christ. On this truth the Church must be built. So too, must our marriage be built. In order for our new family to have any hope of surviving, our marriage has to be built on rock – our foundation has to be Jesus Christ. Remember the picture I gave you about the rock at our wedding alter.

And then in verse 14 Paul instructs:
“14 And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.”
In the end, the church in Colosse is instructed how compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, patience, and forgiveness is played out. It is through love. And of course we are not talking about being loving when we feel it. Or what may be referred C.S. Lewis refers to as natural love. C. S. Lewis compares natural love to what he calls charity. Love of another order that is acted as a choice that Paul describes in 1 Corinthians 13 - this is what Jesus modeled for us in perfection that we may strive to follow with all of our imperfection.

In our new family, we had to learn to love for we didn’t come to this relationship already loving with the one exception of Mer and I. The love in our covenant relationship has to withstand all the turmoil life has to offer. And we have to be the foundation that building our new family had to stand on. Of course, Jesus is our foundation.

Conclusion
Confession . . .

There is a point to the nature of what I shared, but let me make clear that despite all what may seem like difficulties and turmoil, I can tell you that there is real joy in our family. And there is no other way to have joy unless we know Jesus.

In hindsight are there things we would have done differently? Of course! We experienced major setbacks along the way – and we still encounter the consequences of earlier decisions and lack of attention to certain matters. But we know one truth and that is Jesus Christ is the only way. In him is not only our redemption and salvation, but the truths of instruction for our daily lives - today. He is and will be our rock.

The Heart of the Matter
May 18, 2008

Scripture Reading
Romans 5:1-5
1 Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

Matthew 5:8
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.

Outline:
Intro, The greatest commandment
Mat 22:37,
What is heart?
Our heart is full of sin
We were meant to let God into our hearts in order to be transformed.
Romans 5:1-5
We need to purify our hearts in order to be with God.
Matthew 8:5


One day as I was teaching the teens, we started discussing why is it that we have to speak such churchy words in church? Well, I thought to myself, we speak churchy words because we are in church! And of course because they relate to the discourse and teachings in church. Things that we say like Jesus loves you, or let’s pray about it, let’s get into “the word”, die to self, or words like salvation, redemption, sin. It is rather natural to hear these words or phrases in church. One in particular that one teen was hung up on was “the heart”. She seemed a bit frustrated as she asked, what is it really to have Jesus in my heart, or how do I know what my heart desires, or how do I keep something in my heart. Is this a “touchy feely” thing? Is it an emotion? Is it like knowing something in a way that was different than knowing it my mind? We talked about it, but I felt that we clearly only touched the surface.

Well, what an interesting question I thought. Later that evening it was something I pondered a bit. In fact, what did Jesus say to the Pharisees when asked what was the greatest commandment? Jesus refers to Deuteronomy 6:5 - ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ And adds, ‘the second is like it, love your neighbor as yourself’ (Matthew 22:37)

Okay it’s about loving the LORD. But with all your HEART! I guess this is pretty important!

Something I tend to do when I get to thinking about a word is to go to the dictionary – In particular the OED, the Oxford English Dictionary. Yes, the OED, those of you who use this resource everyday know how BIG it is and how bloated it is with information. This is a hang-over of something my college professor exclaimed as being the best source of any definition of an English word. I have no idea if this is true, but sounds cool when you say “based on the OED . . . “. Anyway, look at this – this was surely not satisfying. So is the OED really the best source for a word? Maybe I get the pronunciation and etymology of the word, and the ways in which the word is used in our English language, but of course there is another source from which I can learn of this word, namely “The Word”. So, let’s use one of those churchy phrases: “Let’s get into the word”!

When I looked at how many times the word “heart” or “hearts” in the bible shows up in the bible, I found it is used a total of 778 times, in 746 verses in the (NIV) bible – and actually a whopping total of 943 times in 873 verses in the King James Version. I guess the KJV liked to use it more in its translations.

Obviously, Heart is a one of the central themes throughout scriptures isn’t it?

Well the point of this student’s question was in fact the desire to understand what we are really talking about when we refer to the heart, her heart. And if we don’t get to the meaning of it, how it is relevant to her, to you and me, we are going to miss one the most monumental significances of nothing less than GOD’s commandment and GOD’s relationship with us!

Now, heart is not a strange word, in fact we use this word a lot. I’m of course not talking about the organ in our body, which if we didn’t have it our bodies wouldn’t be alive. No, I’m talking about the other definitions, the non-physical one. Some of us are familiar with “broken hearts”, or maybe you’ve learned to “listen to your heart” when making decisions, or we tell others to “have a heart” when we see someone being mean. I asked our kids what did heart mean to them, and they said love and caring. In the bible it is used a lot and is referenced with many shades of meanings as well.
Where is Heart first mentioned?

So, check this out. Heart starts out in the Hebrew old testament book of Genesis. The Hebrew word is leb (labe). In Hebrew, leb or heart, is closer to mind as in understanding, than it is to soul or spirit. H. Wheeler Robinson describes it as “the self of an individual from which the life springs”. The heart was the center of the body controlling both mental and emotional activities in contrast to understanding it as a source of love and compassion. In other words, they didn’t mean it from the perspective of emotion and feeling as in “love or caring”.

Heart is first mentioned in Genesis 6:5 to describe man’s evil heart!

5 The Lord saw how great man's wickedness on the earth had become, and that every inclination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil all the time.

Then, in verse 6:6

6 The Lord was grieved that he had made man on the earth, and his heart was filled with pain.
Here, we find God “regretful” that he created man . . . whoa!
The LORD’s heart was filled with pain!

And you know the rest of the story . . . He brings on the flood! And we have the story of Noah.
So, our heart starts out in the bible as evil all the time . . . something to do with the legacy of Adam and Eve I suspect. But then our LORD’s heart was full of pain. He was sick to his stomach with sadness. This is something like a parent who wants nothing but the best for your child, full of potential, who you pray will become god loving, and do amazing Godly things in their lives, but somehow dwells over to the dark side - lies, and deceit, and whose very actions are so sinful, so against everything you taught them . . .

The Evil Heart

Do we really have an evil heart?

Well, there are certainly plenty of examples of evil-hearted people throughout our history until even today. These are the people who we look at who have performed such atrocities and think, how can such evil exist in this world?! Well this is stating the obvious.
How many times can you think of when you have sinned. Now really, let’s get real for a moment. When I drive to work it is about a 45 min. drive. I don’t like to leave in the middle of rush hour because if I’m not stopping and going, then I’m in a small battle zone. People get crazy when driving in packs. Always looking to make that move to get in front of people, cutting others off when you get a chance.

Or you think that the only way you can get that promotion is make someone look bad, and make yourself look good; or somehow you find yourself in an affair, and all your life is about is lying and cover-up; or you come to church, like you always do. You get agitated because someone is in your seat who doesn’t seem to realize that this is where you sit, or you spend your time in your familiar cliques all the while completely missing those people around you who may be here for the first time – who have heard about the loving Jesus and His church. Or you grumble because somehow this morning’s sermon just didn’t do much for you and you hope next week the Pastor will do better.
We are sinners, no two ways about it. We sin in our heart all the time. Even here in Church – and being “churchy” doesn’t change it.

But somehow we’re supposed to love the LORD with all our HEART! With evil in our heart how in the world can we do that?

Unpacking Romans 5:1-5

So let’s make a jump here. We are sinners, even after we accept Jesus as our personal savior. We stand in our LORDS amazing grace to be forgiven, everyday. But I submit to you that the heart must move somewhere. Our heart is moving towards God or it is moving away from God.

Take a look at Romans 5:1-5 in your bulletin. There is a lot packed into these verses, so I will tell you up front that I will not be able to address the full meaning of all five verses. There is enough here for at least three sermons. But let’s focus on what I think is relevant to the “the heart of the matter”.
This letter written to the Christians in Rome was a sort of a sample of his message prior to his planned visit to Rome.

Take a look at verse 1:

1 Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ,

This is what begins to get us over the hurdle of being accepted by God! Some say that this is probably the key verse in all of the book of Romans! By accepting Jesus, by having faith in Jesus, letting Jesus into our HEARTS, we have been justified!

Take a look at verse 2:

2 through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God.

Now, what did I say about grace a moment ago? Because of faith in Jesus, we stand in grace, and “we rejoice (and we ought to rejoice) in the hope of the glory of God”! The Glory of God and rejoicing of it is the goal of justification of faith. This is where your all of Christian life is moving. As a Christian, this where your HEART is moving. You are either moving towards God or away from God. We are reckoned right before God so that we can finally be with God and see him and enjoy him as the infinitely satisfying Reality forever and ever.

Now something happens to the Christian life before that eternal day, namely trials and tribulations. That’s what Verses 3 and 4 are about. This is so relevant to our lives I could hardly bring myself to not talk about it, but I urge you to study these two verses another time. Instead, let’s get to verse 5.

Verse 5

I want to read an excerpt out of a sermon that a Baptist minister names John Piper says about experiencing God in our heart:

“How then do we pursue the fullness of the experience of the love of God poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit? One key is to realize that the experience is not like hypnosis or electric shock or drug-induced hallucinations or shivers at a good tune. Rather it is mediated through knowledge. It is not the same as knowledge. But it comes through knowledge. Or to say it another way, this experience of the love of God is the work of the Spirit giving unspeakable joy in response to the mind's perception of the demonstration of that love in Jesus Christ. In this way Christ gets the glory for the joy that we have. It is a joy in what we see in him.”

God gives assurance to us through the Holy Spirit . . . an experience of God’s love.

Jim’s story of being saved and Experiencing God’s Love

Sometime in the year 2000, I experienced something that was the beginning of a monumental change in my life. I sat there . . .

Experience of the Love of God is through the Holy Spirit (Romans 5:5)

So what do you do with all this, you’ve been justified through faith, which gives us access to God’s amazing grace and his amazing love. So, should our heart stop moving? Do we just sit back and say, wow, God is amazing, I’ll just keep sinning, he’ll keep forgiving me,

The Pure Heart

But let’s first start out by looking at the gospel of Matthew. In Jesus’ famous Sermon on the Mount he delivers some of his most profound teachings. In the beginning of Matthew 5 Jesus starts out speaking to his disciples by telling them who are the blessed:

Mat 5:3
“Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Mat 5:4
Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
Mat 5:5
Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
Mat 5:6
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
Mat 5:7
Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
Mat 5:8
Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.
Mat 5:9
Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called sons of God.
Mat 5:10
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven

He is describing the characteristics he is looking for in his followers, and by extension us. He is describing the traits of those who will in fact see God’s kingdom. Jesus is describing God’s way of living – in fact contradictory to the world’s way of living. These are known as the “beatitudes” (from Latin "beatus", meaning "blessed"). Each Beatitude, there are 9 here, tells how to be blessed. Here we are, another one of those churchy words! Do you really know what Jesus is saying when he refers to being blessed? Don’t take this lightly! It is way more than happiness - it is an amazing state for those to experience in God’s kingdom!!!! To Jesus, blessed means the experience of hope and joy, independent of outward circumstances. It is not about laughter, pleasure or earthly prosperity. It is a state of supernatural being, not of this world, which only Jesus can offer!

So look, one of the beatitudes is being pure in heart (Matthew 5:8). If you are pure in heart, you will see God!!! So let’s understand something. The beatitudes are not multiple choice – it’s not like “hey, I want to pick 5:8 so I can see God” because I don’t feel especially merciful (5:7) today, and I certainly don’t want to be meek (5:5), I’m a guy! The Beatitudes are to be followed as a whole.

Pure in heart is referenced elsewhere in scripture. In Psalm 24:4, David says:

“He who has clean hands and a pure heart,
who does not lift up his soul to an idol
or swear by what is false.”
And other references:
Pro 22:11 - He who loves a pure heart and whose speech is gracious will have the king for his friend.
1Ti 1:5 - The goal of this command is love, which comes from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith.
2Ti 2:22 - Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.
Jam 4:8 - Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double‑minded.
1Pe 1:22 - Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for your brothers, love one another deeply, from the heart.

The Christian life is hard! Jesus said it would be. Being counter-cultural in our daily life is no easy task. Not sinning every day is not easy.

Jim’s Story the Last Couple Weeks

I travel for my job. I was just in Miami last week after being in Columbus before that and I’m leaving this afternoon to spend 3days in Las Vegas. I’m an architect, we design buildings all over the country and other parts of the world. Now those of you who travel as well, know that this is really no glamorous thing. You spend your time away from your family or home, it is tiring, you rarely get a chance to enjoy some of the really cool places you find yourselves in and meanwhile work is piling up back at the office. Last night and later this morning is this really amazing presentation by the youth, teens, and young adults sharing the Gospel. I help with this. It’s what I do. And I can never be prepared enough, so consequently, with much gracious help from some of you, I spend a lot of time the week leading up to it. Oh, and I don’t know what I was thinking accepting this invitation to share a message this morning with you!

This is many of your stories. Life can get overwhelming, and yes, often it is of our own doing. Never mind throwing in other of life’s curveballs, like loss of jobs, disease, death of loved ones,
Cyclones, earthquakes . . .

How do we not want to just give up, or at the very least get angry at people and God himself, or or even strike out at others because of our own pain and suffering.

Even these last couple weeks for me have tested my pursuit of a PURE HEART. I want to purify my heart. I was in my hotel room in Miami, and I became overwhelmed. I literally fell on my knees and sobbed. This week, I can’t tell you how many times I wanted to just give up on helping for this musical presentation. I was convincing myself that what I was doing wasn’t really worth it – what I was doing really didn’t matter. I have been short with my co-workers, and my own family. I feel like I have been not pulling my weight at home with my usual chores, never mind projects that I need to tend to. I won’t even get into the other dozen things either I did or that were going through my mind.

But you see, when I was on my knees back in that hotel room, I was crying for God’s help, and then, I was crying because I felt his love through the Holy Spirit. When I leaned against the wall late one night this week, I was overwhelmed by the Hope I felt in his grace, feeling so unworthy, yet giving me His assurance like a father his child, that I am loved, no matter what. And as I stand before you today, I know so many of you have extended your love to me (as Christ said, love your neighbor as yourself) during my father’s illness and subsequent passing. Thank you so much.

The last time I would see my father was in the nursing care center in California. The last moment with my Dad was me leaving his room and telling him that I loved him. His last words to me were that he loved me too. I haven’t heard that since I was a child. You see, it was the love of my father that were in those words, but even more than that, it was the love my heavenly father that were clearly in those words.

Once you have accepted Jesus as your savior, it is instantaneous, you are His and He will be with you always! But all of life is walk, a journey. God has a heart for you. He is passionately pursuing your heart. Won’t you let him in and pursue your heavenly father’s heart?

Prayer

May 3, 2008

My Lamentations

I’m feeling like this nagging guilt has come over me – maybe it isn’t guilt, but it is so palpable, it feels like a ton of stones that I am carrying around. My gut feels a mild nausea, like that the nervousness one feels in anticipation of some pending doom. It is like a cloud that is following me around that I just can’t walk out of.

Over 6 years and it seems like he is more removed from me than ever. It feels like I don’t know him and he doesn’t know me. It’s as if we’ve become strangers whom we once new and had a connection with, we maintain a familiarity, but it is only because we do share that common bond which at times I wonder if he remembers. Really, it feels like my existence is a mere convenience that could be discarded at a whim if it were not for that common bond. Does he miss it? Does he need it? Does he have a void he is trying to fill? Is it for him that one spot, unfulfilled, maybe where most of us don’t want to go because we don’t want to feel? I’m desperately trying not to feel it. In trying so hard, I feel like I’m walking through mud. Each step a labor, each step a drain. Each step feels like one doesn’t get anywhere because we refuse to see it for what it is. We don’t dare dredge it up because of the intensity of the pain we fear. There seems like there is no resolution – at the very least, we go on trying to learn to live with it, we learn what it is like not to feel those deepest spots, those wounds.

I am so saddened by what I maybe could have done – what I should have done! I am aching with a quiet despair, so subtle, but so desperately annoying I want to scream! I can’t believe that I could have allowed it to come to this! Am I a coward? Have I been so lame and so conformist so as not to upset the way things are that I have let so many potentially significant moments slip away? God, why?????? Is the guilt, that nagging thorn that’s reminding me of how I could have done so much better? Where was I???

Yet, I’m reminded that we all have a choice - all of us. It is not like he couldn’t have chosen differently. I was not directly responsible for his actions even though I would take all the responsibility in the world if it would make the slightest difference! He has to own his own actions. I can’t make him do or don’t do anything – that’s not the way it is. God gave us this thing called free will. It is what makes the choice to love the sweetest and most beautiful thing, and the choice to sin the most heinous of acts. Without the will to choose, actions are meaningless. Life becomes meaningless.

God gives us the amazing gift to choose. He knew that even though His desire and intention was for us to love Him, this would not be love if the choice wasn’t freely ours. He had to be willing to witness pain and suffering in order for there to be love – especially for us to love Him back. The irony of this is incomprehensible, yet we would never otherwise have love.

This last week I experienced one the more memorable revelations – it smacked me right in the face so unexpectedly I could hardly drive. I was reminded earlier having coffee with my friend, a special gift I received in my last moments with Dad. As I was leaving his bedside telling him that I had to leave to go home, I picked up my backpack, walked in front of the bed and told him that I loved him. What was so vivid for me was hearing for the first time in so many years, perhaps since I was a young boy, “I love you too”. His eyes looked right at me, he said it as if he always said it. His face looked tender with emotion, yet composed with assuredness, almost as if he didn’t have to pretend that things were going to be alright anymore, but that he was finally revealing that loving inside that was most surely always there. It was a side of him that I didn’t remember ever feeling directed to me, but it was a side of him I saw while he was with others. Perhaps, he was finally relinquishing his life to God. Getting off the I-696 service drive at Evergreen, I all of a sudden heard a whisper telling me “it was I, Jim, I love you”. Wham! I burst into a torrent of tears – I just realized that God had been there . . . and he is here, it wasn’t only my Dad reassuring me, but my Abba, Eloi, who was reassuring me of His love for me!!! I couldn’t control this rush of emotion as I cried, barely able to see where I was driving, feeling the depth of the emotion, the truth that He has always been reassuring me with, and I being too blind to see and too stubborn to feel.

It is love. Love.

Dad’s Eulogy
30 March 2008

I have not felt closer to Dad than the last couple months of his life. I don’t find regret in this as much as some sadness in considering the multitude of times when I could have sought this closeness. I am frankly grateful that I was blessed to have had this chance, it was a gift. In the times of silence and the very few words that we exchanged, I had released any inhibitions I may have ever had to be close to him.

I wondered much about what was going through his mind these last couple months. Being hospitalized that first time in January took a toll on him. Whether drug induced or not, he clearly experienced a period of disorientation, then a period of seeming disengagement. It was frankly slightly disconcerting how disconnected he seemed at times. I remember how weak he was in the beginning – little did we know how much weaker he would get. There were also times of startling clarity. He would seem so aware. We would try to speak with each other, but even with hearing aids he was practically deaf so speaking to him was very difficult. I wanted to really communicate with him on a deeper level. I eventually realized that writing my thoughts down for him to read was going to be more effective, and so I did. We all did. Dad would often look around at where he was at, his surroundings, he would examine his bruised hands, the legions on his fingers. I would wonder if he was not sure why they were that way, or that he was becoming aware of how his physical condition was deteriorating. I wondered how he felt on the inside – whether he felt he was diminishing from within, or had he been assuming that he would eventually get better. How does one know if one was going to improve or diminish? I can only presume what he was really feeling, what he was thinking in his last days.

It has been written that the apostle Paul endured tremendous physical hardship in the latter part of his life on earth. Paul was a converted Roman Citizen who after meeting Jesus on the road to Damascus instead of persecuting the early followers of Jesus, was called to be His most ardent missionary. His tireless and passionate pursuit to save in the name of Jesus can’t help but inspire even the “unreligious”, for the zeal in his faith would lead him to places the zealot of today probably couldn’t imagine – all with tremendous love and care for God’s children, his brothers and sisters.
Why is this even relevant? For so many, life is not that different today than in ancient times. We are still brutal, we worship other God’s and violate and kill in “it’s” name, we watch the starving, we hoard our own, we create division and accentuate the differences. Today, we seem to miss the bright spots in our very midst, the one’s that have brought life to the weak, caring to the poor, opportunity and purpose to the down trodden and undeserved – those who have brought people together and not division.

Dad, I believe, was one these people. Perhaps it wasn’t obvious. He cared deeply for his fellow man. He crossed all boundaries of race and religion, geography and economic class. He brought together people from around the world without fanfare. Though the motives that drove him many would not consider noble, the motives were really only a means to something bigger he was doing. No, I don’t even know that he really knew it. But he was driven by some inner conviction of a brighter world.
Like Paul, he was a tireless adventurer, willing and undeterred by obstacles. He silently paved paths that many after him would then exploit. In his stubbornness, he was unmoved in the face of conflict. As a fighter pilot for our country, he learned to be precise, daring, and purposeful. He inspired many in his time - his zeal was infectious for he had a way of inspiring men to believe. He was not about con-forming, he was about re-forming.

Dad was still yet just a man. A man who was as fallible as Paul – as fallible as all of us. He was by far imperfect. He hurt people unsuspectingly. He burdened others. He was often stubborn to a fault. His own pursuits may have been at the expense of others. His actions often didn’t reflect the Jesus he may have learned about when he grew up. He was a “fallen” man – as we all are truly “fallen”. But clearly evident in him were the seeds of goodness which fruits would blossom in others. In him was the goodness that God used to make a difference. His life’s rewards may not have been found in the measures of this world. No, he anguished much in those things he lost, misused, or could not produce. Perhaps if there is any tragedy, it may be in the way he measured his own success – influenced by the dominance of the limited perspective of this world. He may not have seen the legacy of beauty that he left in his wake. His discontentment perhaps came from the seeming lack of “measurable” success, and not fully appreciating the immeasurable success of his life. I trust that he now sees what he brought with him - that success which is timeless and not of this world. The fruits of His success was rooted in humility and a giving heart.

In a letter that the apostle Paul had sent to the church of Ephesus he writes: “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love” (Eph 4:2); and in his letter to the church of Philippi: “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit”. Paul’s compassion in the midst of his own suffering reflects Christ love. He considered himself a slave to Jesus in which he means that he was willing to give his life to Jesus, and that Jesus was master over his life. While being tortured Paul could only imagine the love Jesus and how to extend Jesus’ love to everyone.

I don’t really know that Dad considered himself a slave to Jesus. I don’t know that even those of us who feel the love of Jesus deeply can espouse such resolve of purpose. I do know that in all of us, despite our glaring imperfections, is the capacity to leave a legacy of humble servitude and loving kindness through the power of the Holy Spirit. In us, God’s children, is the seed that becomes the bountiful fruit that He will use for His glory and purpose. Dad was a man. In him was the special goodness that God used in ways that we will not be able to measure. We all will have our own stories of what Richard “Dick” Lawrence Renne meant to each of us. For me, Dad was imperfect, but in all his imperfection Dad was an inspiration, the very goodness and humility I hope to model and hope he will be proud of. Thank you for your legacy.

If we could hear Dad right now, he is saying “fear not, for He makes all things new again”!

Richard (Dick) Lawrence Renne

Died March 24, 2008 at age 82. Born in Minneapolis, Minnesota in 1925. Dick was a veteran of World War II and the Korean War as a U.S. Air Force fighter pilot. He attended college at the University of Minnesota, Universidad Nacional Mayor de San Marco, Peru, and Sophia University in Japan. Dick made his living paving new ground in the computer industry domestically and abroad, and had a passion for startup ventures. Dick had a love for other cultures having spent much of his life living and traveling around the world. Dick had a love for genealogy of the Renne family, writing, and spending time with family and friends. Dick is survived by his wife Elena (Helen) Renne, his children, and grandchildren. Memorial Service and burial will be held at Skylawn Memorial Park in San Mateo, Sunday, March 30, 2008 starting at 11:00am. Visitation will be 30 minutes prior. The family asks that you contribute to the American Heart Association in memory of Richard Lawrence Renne.

2/24/08

on my return to Michigan, my home. What a long week. I'm exhausted. But i feel I didn't do anything . . . yet I know that in my heart, a lot went on.

Dad is not looking good. I feel like I'm now witnessing the end of a generation. Never experienced this before and it now offers a sense of temporality. What i mean is that i now feel like I can see what at once seemed forever now compressed into a more comprehensible period of time - a broader sense of the linearlity of time. We all get old and we all are mortal. I will eventual experience the end of my own lifetime.

Mom is struggling with coming to terms with the reality of what it is looking like. Dad may not ever "come home" and function as he had, he will likely not even walk on his own again, feed himself, brush his teeth, go to the bathroom on his own - he may not even live much longer. .What must it be like to see someone you have known for almost 50 yrs. become more or less incompacitated. To start to come to grips that you will now be alone after all this time. Even if he is able to stay alive in this institution for a little longer, mom will be alone. How incredibly sad this realization must be. How incredibly lonely this must begin to feel.

It finally came to me - likely God had me see that we must now enjoy each day, truly as the last. Celebrate each day of life and not mourn what what is to not be. Don't miss out on beauty that is today for the hopes of a yet a better day tomorrow. That day may not ever come.

I have certainly woken up to a whole new realization of a segment of our population - the aged and those reaching the end of their life. How this transition for some can be anything, but a graceful, dignified experience. for some a lonely and torturous affair, and others a diminishment of a quality of life never to be regained, and yet others the feeling like they are now castaways of society. In these men and women i pray that Jesus is comforting them, that they know him and that they can look forward to the end.

So it is this which I may have been sent to my father instead of going to Venezuela. The mission to save can be so close as to be your own family. I really don't know if Dad has yet found Jesus. I really don't know if what I wrote for him to read made any difference, but i did feel God's prompting to write and I pray that God will somehow use my very feable attempt to share the saving grace of Jesus as the seed that He will cultivate. Lord, I pray that you celebrate and take into your arms this child of yours. Comfort him as he finishes his long, often arduous life, full of struggle and pain, and yet always with a desire to do good. Give him the vision of all that was good, all that was sweet, all that was beautiful, all that was dignified, all that was comforting, all that was devine - all that was love. Bless him Lord, for though he may not have walked the straight and narrow, but only through your amazing grace his sins are forgiven that he goes home to you, a life everlasting. Father, I pray that I will be joining him one day in your kingdom with you, and though I know he is not yet with you, through your mercy he is filled with joy when you take him. I pray all this in your son's holy and merciful name . . .

2/17/08

arrived in Sacramento. Have my guitar . . . an architect turned Christian guitarist traveling by plane, train, and automobile. A little weird.

It feels like I'm on this weird journey. God, where are you taking me? I thought I was supposed to go to VE and now I'm back in CA, in Sacramento. the land of Arnold Swarzneger, and liberal poilitics. In a train station - actually much better in a Starbucks, next to the train station.

These are places where people come and go, where nobody stays for very long.

I still don't have a good sense where my father "is". It seems as though this journey he is on is the last road of his travels. Tumultuous indeed. Like the story of his life.

I've certainly been greatly sentimental and melancholy. I've been going over segments of my life: the kids when they were younger, the time we lived on Walsh rd., the end of the 20th century in my life ceratinly marks something rather significant - the most significant in fact to date.

I've been lately drawn listening to much speaking on apologetics. I've speculated that I'm wanting be able to communicate a more articulate explanation of "the reason for my faith". I've discovered that apologetics is way more than that. So, in my "ministry" (this is the first time that I can recall such a reference), I find the need for the deeper roots, as if to know the soil in which faith is grounded. I will always express of my faith based on personal experience, and the incredible gift I've received. And that this gift is avialable to all that wishes new life. Life like we were meant to have on this earth and life not of this earth. Yet, it is not all touchy-feely. It is difficult, it IS tumultuous.

I watched a short clip by a guy named Mark Driscoll, a pastor I yet don't know anything about. His call to men as soldiers, as Paul encourages Timothy, that it is a battleground not for us to be winners, but for us to be instruments for the love a Jesus Christ. It is not flower child, all is well with the world, do not offend religion, but warfare of the most crucial kind.

So, it has occured to me that my sudden change in orders from my leader, my one and only master, my Lord, is a mission unfinished, or a mission yet to be done - it is easy to assume it is my father . . . and it could be, but it may besomeone else - or others. In the mean-time I havce certainly wondered if my Lord had also decided that I wasnlt ready for the mission originally planned. that I was going down with my own agenda, my own mission, not his. Was I being impatient, wanting to do what I want to do - worse yet, not be inthe proper place to mission this trip needed to be "missioned"?

I continue to examine what we mean when we say mission. It is certainly meant with only the best of intentions. Yet, it is not a mission as in a task to be accomplished, but a series of actions under devine orders that are part of His larger contimuum of events. We are players in these events. Motivated by the Holy Spirit, our free will maximizes the opportunity for the true expression of love and thus we "act with love".

So why I am I so drawn to other cultures. An Indian couple sits near me and I smile. They seem to be in love with each other, and their broken english tells me that they weren't born here. It reminded me of a movie MaryEllen and I saw about a young Indian couple who emigrated to the U.S. and the challenging cultural adjustments required. SO WHAT? Well, it is this precise understanding of how cultures can be so different that we tend not to understand, but worse care not to understand or appreciate. I'm drawn to the innocence, the bravery, the fortitude, and the desire to be in another's culture. I too am drawn to be in another's culture - for one because it gives me a better persepective of understanding people from different cultures. And we are ALL God's people. We should maybe know each other a little better. Okay, maybe I don;t know what it really is. Maybe because I can identify in the smallest of ways having been born in the Philippines, lived in Japan and had always been around internationals all of my childhood?

I see Paul as the ultimate mission man . . . or friend of man(?) - (reference to a the notion that we should be trying to befriend those that we mission to - not go to with a mission like a cowboy).

And what of church planting? Not now.

Metacapsulation

Coagulation of fibroid tubes
Duplicative transformation
Crystalization

Life in Transition

It’s certainly a new place for me. The journey that is life reveals new circumstances all the time. The aging of one’s parents brings to bear the truth of mortality. It is as if it isn’t quite real until it is there in front of you. There, where one has to participate in the little things that we all take for granted – becomes monumental. Does it begin to diminish one’s dignity? When does it become a burden? When does it no longer become worth it?

The faces of the residents all tell stories. Stories of suffering, of glory lost, of life diminished, life in transition, life in waiting of eternity, life already gone. These faces belong to you and I - for all of us, some day.

As I help a nurse’s aide change my father’s diaper, I couldn’t help but wonder how he must be feeling. At the same time wondering how aware, if at all, he was. He was helpless, immobile, and child-like. Or was it me feeling like treating him as a child? Such is the natural progression of the child dependent to the dependent senior. And as I begin to appreciate the reality of this, I enter another stage of growth and the maturation process. Yes, this too is maturation.

I hope for significant recovery. I also know the inevitability of life’s course. With this I expect to learn more about myself and more about Jesus. I learn what it is to care for the helpless, the diminished, the ending of life on earth. Our flesh was never meant to last forever. As we depart the flesh and enter the spirit, we look back on things past. We look around what it is we are leaving. We hopefully are gleeful for where we are going.

Infill, Escape

Embracing the Journey

It didn't take long after having chinese and a coffee with my "brother" that I realized much that I think and talk about no longer has to sit in the virtual closet. My own realization that what we hoard is not shared - what is not shared is not offering a chance for His light to reveal - and that all shall be for His glory . . . the journey is rich!